Well what a weekend kinda tiring ya know. I have to go to UPS tonight at 11 p.m. for a "tour" which hopefully will result in a job. Working overnights ohh hooray. That and its only part time. But hey a job is a job. Ive been cheating on my smoking ive been having one a day the past couple days but i guess i can look at it as an improvement since i cut down from a pack a day to one a day. Its looking like this will be the last term im in school for a while. They want 650 dollars just to register, which of course I dont have. I guess if that happens my blog is pretty much going to go under. But maybe this is for the best also I mean I can finally work on getting out on my own and start to be my an adult. It just seems like I dont know anymore. I have to say a big thank you to Issa who is saving my ass on my truck payment. You are awesome and Id probally be walking if it wasn't for your help. Well I dont really know what else to say so I guess Ill end it here for now. Till next time people.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 7:37 PM ] [ ]

Nightmares that haunt my swollen slumber. Rest that should be as peaceful as death is stirred with macabre visions. Visions that cause rage and suffering in a subconcsoius level. When awoken by this my body is shaken and disturbed. The feeling of being lost swirls around my head. I must shake the spiderwebs placed to blur my thinking. The hauntings have meaning showing that my life is on the wrong path, but how do i correct it? When someone starts on a path its hard to beat a new one. Tearing down walls that block a person from changing their destiny is no easy feat. Tooth and nails break by just scratching the surface. Blood and sweat pour from a person body as they start to see a glimmer of light from the other side. My mind are body are weak at this point but that light, the single ray thats like a lighthouse in a heavy fog beckons me to continue. It tells me I will be safe as long as I keep working, that no harm can come as long as Im working towards changing my goal. When i break through my nightmares will cease, the spiderwebs will burn down and I will be able to see clearly. No more wondering in a haze, no more lost feelings in the morning, and no more walls to damage my body to try to get through.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 6:23 PM ] [ ]

Find a job - the first and most important step
Start doing better in school - Need to set aside time for schoolwork
Start excersicing - Not just lifting weights but walking and getting myself healthy
Start saving money - I seriously need to open a bank account
Get out on my own - This one is going to be tough but I will do it
Try to start dating - This is when i have time and Im ready for it not any time soon

Thats the main objectives if you guys can think of anything else I need to do please leave a comment and let me know

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 6:44 PM ] [ ]

Allright so it's been since sunday morning since ive had a cigarette and Im doing pretty well. My cravings have been getting less and less so im sure in time they might go away all together. Things are still tough I havent found a job and Im starting to feel like a failure. I dont have money and cant financially support my daughter i mean i know I have help at home and im thankfull as hell for it. Its just awful when your damn near 25 and you have to ask your mom to pick up diapers for her granddaughter. Besides the whole job thing theres other stuff bothering me. School is one, I love learning but right now in this term ive been rushed into stuff i wasnt prepared for. I talked to my teacher and told him Id try but no gurantees. If anything ill take what i can out of this class and then retake it. I just wish i could get everything straight and stop screwing up everything. I guess i just need a plan. maybe ill make one and post it on here we will see. till next time people.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 5:48 PM ] [ ]

Holy crap this is hard. I mean at home Im fine since i dont really smoke their anyways, but at school and when Im driving is a different story. Im so used to just lighting one up on the road or walking outside and smoking and now im lost. i have this time that i just sit there and do nothing besides twiddle my thumbs nervously. Ive stood outside while people were smoking and wanted so bad to just ask for a drag but i know i cant. I know im doing this for myself and hannah and the later of that statment stops me cold. By the way hannah name now has an H on the end because i didnt like the other spelling of it. Just need to do something with my hands that is all for now.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 8:39 PM ] [ ]

Not a whole lot of updates right now Im in seclusion while I try to quit smoking but I promise an update by friday wish me luck Ill need it.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 7:38 PM ] [ ]

See i repeated myself right there hahahaha.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 7:54 PM ] [ ]

Writing one of my true passions. Yeah alot of it doesnt make sense and i tend to repeat what i write but its a way of expressing my emotions. Some people are disgusted by what I write they tell me i bring all of it on myself and I do. The writings are my feelings and they are there because of something I did or something I let happen to me. To the people that have written me since I started this blog I am appreciative but a little concerned. The people who i talk to on a regular basis this doesnt not mean you it means judgmental people that have nothing better to do besides analyzing me without knowing me. The feelings expressed in these thoughts are mine and it's not my fault that you are narrow minded and have to pick out others flaws to boost up your egos. My feelings belong to me and while Ill graceally accept comments on them or even concerns I will not tolerate bashing of something sacred to me. The mind is a complex thing, those that realize it have a strange stranglehold on their emotions and feelings, they comprehend stuff that others are not aware of. Open your mind people before sending me emails, try to put yourself in others shoes and imagine some of the horrific and wonderful things they see. Till you can do that I invite you to read this but not email me on it. Till next time people.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 7:45 PM ] [ ]

I love writing it is a big passion in my life even if what i right is a lot of repeated stuff over and over. My writing helps me grow both spirutally and mentally and usually no one reads it. Anyone reading this blog consider yourselves very lucky. Not even a year ago i would have never done this i would hide my feelings and emotions from people. But now it doesnt bother me, if I dont get this stuff out it bottles up inside and turns me into an angry person. One that no one likes to be around. Whats the point? Nothing, same as any of my writings they never mean anything. There is no point, there is no grand answers. Its just a way to express myself and I can go back and look over how i was feeling at the time.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 2:18 PM ] [ ]

My soul is tormented at the moment. Nothing is as it seems. Life is war, there are casualties and right now i feel Im being buried in corpses. My life has hidden meaning wich has not come to light. So I travel the vast abyss of darkened caverns, searching, hopeing for a speck of my elusive light.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 2:15 PM ] [ ]

Well here it is thursday and i feel in a rut still. I need to quit smoking and start excersing or something. I feel so drained lately like all my energy is being drained out of me by some unseen force. I dont know what the cause of it is but i will find it and stop it. Im in the process of planning a vacation Im going to take hanna to disneyworld probally next year. As I look at the prices though I came to realize vacations are not cheap it going to cost an arm and a leg but it will be worth it. What else is going on...... Still looking for a job and at this point my hope seems fleeting. Im ready to just go to McDucks and flip burgers. Man i need to get more people to read this, I know the people that are reading this but it seems like im screaming to myself since those people already know me. Maybe i need a new tattoo that always seems to cheer me up, kinda funny huh pain makes me happy. No im not a maschocist! It still hurts and i dont really want it to but it just seems the things i like are accompiened by pain. Yes I know i cant spell. Hhhmm dont know what else to say. Well till next time people.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 8:44 PM ] [ ]

damnit see what happens when you try to take notes and write in my blog at the same time!!! Anyways as I was saying before IE shut down on me. All these emotions that are running rampart inside me has made me realize something, If I didnt have hanna right now I'd be a cold hearted son of bitch. I mean ive always been a caring person but the past two and a half years have really tested that. With out her I would have just gave up on everything. Now I just wish I had someone to share the emotions that have carved up my inside and kept it from crusting over. Eventually thats all I have to tell myself. Well enough for one night. Till next time people.

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 6:46 PM ] [ ]

d3ddevice->setrenderstate( d3drs_ambient, d3dcolor_xrgb(255,255,255)
" " (d3drs_lighting, true)

d3dlight9 light;
light.type=d3dlightpoint;
light.position.x=0;
light.position.y=10;
light.position.z=10;
light.diffuse=d3dcolorxrgb(1.0f,0.0f,0.0f);
light.range=100.0f;
light.a0=0;
light.a1=1;
light.a2=0;

d3ddevice->setlight(0,&light);

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 6:41 PM ] [ ]

Oh man Im so screwed! Im having trouble in this class right so I was going to get tutoring just to find out I only have four more weeks to catch up. CRAP! Oh well what can you do right? So my emotions have been playing hell with me lately. Everyone really want to hear this? Probally not but it's my blog HAHAHAHA. Anyways alot lately, like when I'm driving or just have stolen moments to myself my mind keeps wondering back to Kristie. I know I know before anyone starts let me explain. It will come on as strong feelings of missing her, you know remembering all the good times we had (that was sarcasm if you couldnt tell), the love I felt over something that was never meant to be. But not long after these feelings show up I see something or remember something or hear something that snaps me back to reality and forces the truth in my face, the lies, the deciet, the use. I become angry not only at her but at myself for allowing such an atrosity to happen to me for so long. The anger is mixed with depression that subsides rather quickly. Now on top of all this I been having dreams, some of them nice, some of them disturbing and I dont know why its happening I mean there never really was any clouser so maybe this is my way of dealing with it.........

   [ POSTED BY Neil @ 6:31 PM ] [ ]