BEAUTIFUL NIGHTMARES-Anthems, Antecdotes, and Undeniable Truths

2004-04-27T19:37:00.000-06:00

Well what a weekend kinda tiring ya know. I have to go to UPS tonight at 11 p.m. for a "tour" which hopefully will result in a job. Working overnights ohh hooray. That and its only part time. But hey a job is a job. Ive been cheating on my smoking ive been having one a day the past couple days but i guess i can look at it as an improvement since i cut down from a pack a day to one a day. Its looking like this will be the last term im in school for a while. They want 650 dollars just to register, which of course I dont have. I guess if that happens my blog is pretty much going to go under. But maybe this is for the best also I mean I can finally work on getting out on my own and start to be my an adult. It just seems like I dont know anymore. I have to say a big thank you to Issa who is saving my ass on my truck payment. You are awesome and Id probally be walking if it wasn't for your help. Well I dont really know what else to say so I guess Ill end it here for now. Till next time people.

2004-04-23T18:23:00.000-06:00

Nightmares that haunt my swollen slumber. Rest that should be as peaceful as death is stirred with macabre visions. Visions that cause rage and suffering in a subconcsoius level. When awoken by this my body is shaken and disturbed. The feeling of being lost swirls around my head. I must shake the spiderwebs placed to blur my thinking. The hauntings have meaning showing that my life is on the wrong path, but how do i correct it? When someone starts on a path its hard to beat a new one. Tearing down walls that block a person from changing their destiny is no easy feat. Tooth and nails break by just scratching the surface. Blood and sweat pour from a person body as they start to see a glimmer of light from the other side. My mind are body are weak at this point but that light, the single ray thats like a lighthouse in a heavy fog beckons me to continue. It tells me I will be safe as long as I keep working, that no harm can come as long as Im working towards changing my goal. When i break through my nightmares will cease, the spiderwebs will burn down and I will be able to see clearly. No more wondering in a haze, no more lost feelings in the morning, and no more walls to damage my body to try to get through.

2004-04-22T18:44:00.000-06:00

Find a job - the first and most important step
Start doing better in school - Need to set aside time for schoolwork
Start excersicing - Not just lifting weights but walking and getting myself healthy
Start saving money - I seriously need to open a bank account
Get out on my own - This one is going to be tough but I will do it
Try to start dating - This is when i have time and Im ready for it not any time soon

Thats the main objectives if you guys can think of anything else I need to do please leave a comment and let me know

2004-04-22T17:48:00.000-06:00

Allright so it's been since sunday morning since ive had a cigarette and Im doing pretty well. My cravings have been getting less and less so im sure in time they might go away all together. Things are still tough I havent found a job and Im starting to feel like a failure. I dont have money and cant financially support my daughter i mean i know I have help at home and im thankfull as hell for it. Its just awful when your damn near 25 and you have to ask your mom to pick up diapers for her granddaughter. Besides the whole job thing theres other stuff bothering me. School is one, I love learning but right now in this term ive been rushed into stuff i wasnt prepared for. I talked to my teacher and told him Id try but no gurantees. If anything ill take what i can out of this class and then retake it. I just wish i could get everything straight and stop screwing up everything. I guess i just need a plan. maybe ill make one and post it on here we will see. till next time people.

2004-04-21T20:39:00.000-06:00

Holy crap this is hard. I mean at home Im fine since i dont really smoke their anyways, but at school and when Im driving is a different story. Im so used to just lighting one up on the road or walking outside and smoking and now im lost. i have this time that i just sit there and do nothing besides twiddle my thumbs nervously. Ive stood outside while people were smoking and wanted so bad to just ask for a drag but i know i cant. I know im doing this for myself and hannah and the later of that statment stops me cold. By the way hannah name now has an H on the end because i didnt like the other spelling of it. Just need to do something with my hands that is all for now.

2004-04-21T19:38:00.000-06:00

Not a whole lot of updates right now Im in seclusion while I try to quit smoking but I promise an update by friday wish me luck Ill need it.

2004-04-16T19:54:00.000-06:00

See i repeated myself right there hahahaha.

2004-04-16T19:45:00.000-06:00

Writing one of my true passions. Yeah alot of it doesnt make sense and i tend to repeat what i write but its a way of expressing my emotions. Some people are disgusted by what I write they tell me i bring all of it on myself and I do. The writings are my feelings and they are there because of something I did or something I let happen to me. To the people that have written me since I started this blog I am appreciative but a little concerned. The people who i talk to on a regular basis this doesnt not mean you it means judgmental people that have nothing better to do besides analyzing me without knowing me. The feelings expressed in these thoughts are mine and it's not my fault that you are narrow minded and have to pick out others flaws to boost up your egos. My feelings belong to me and while Ill graceally accept comments on them or even concerns I will not tolerate bashing of something sacred to me. The mind is a complex thing, those that realize it have a strange stranglehold on their emotions and feelings, they comprehend stuff that others are not aware of. Open your mind people before sending me emails, try to put yourself in others shoes and imagine some of the horrific and wonderful things they see. Till you can do that I invite you to read this but not email me on it. Till next time people.

2004-04-16T14:18:00.000-06:00

I love writing it is a big passion in my life even if what i right is a lot of repeated stuff over and over. My writing helps me grow both spirutally and mentally and usually no one reads it. Anyone reading this blog consider yourselves very lucky. Not even a year ago i would have never done this i would hide my feelings and emotions from people. But now it doesnt bother me, if I dont get this stuff out it bottles up inside and turns me into an angry person. One that no one likes to be around. Whats the point? Nothing, same as any of my writings they never mean anything. There is no point, there is no grand answers. Its just a way to express myself and I can go back and look over how i was feeling at the time.

2004-04-16T14:15:00.000-06:00

My soul is tormented at the moment. Nothing is as it seems. Life is war, there are casualties and right now i feel Im being buried in corpses. My life has hidden meaning wich has not come to light. So I travel the vast abyss of darkened caverns, searching, hopeing for a speck of my elusive light.

2004-04-15T20:44:00.000-06:00

Well here it is thursday and i feel in a rut still. I need to quit smoking and start excersing or something. I feel so drained lately like all my energy is being drained out of me by some unseen force. I dont know what the cause of it is but i will find it and stop it. Im in the process of planning a vacation Im going to take hanna to disneyworld probally next year. As I look at the prices though I came to realize vacations are not cheap it going to cost an arm and a leg but it will be worth it. What else is going on...... Still looking for a job and at this point my hope seems fleeting. Im ready to just go to McDucks and flip burgers. Man i need to get more people to read this, I know the people that are reading this but it seems like im screaming to myself since those people already know me. Maybe i need a new tattoo that always seems to cheer me up, kinda funny huh pain makes me happy. No im not a maschocist! It still hurts and i dont really want it to but it just seems the things i like are accompiened by pain. Yes I know i cant spell. Hhhmm dont know what else to say. Well till next time people.

2004-04-14T18:46:00.000-06:00

damnit see what happens when you try to take notes and write in my blog at the same time!!! Anyways as I was saying before IE shut down on me. All these emotions that are running rampart inside me has made me realize something, If I didnt have hanna right now I'd be a cold hearted son of bitch. I mean ive always been a caring person but the past two and a half years have really tested that. With out her I would have just gave up on everything. Now I just wish I had someone to share the emotions that have carved up my inside and kept it from crusting over. Eventually thats all I have to tell myself. Well enough for one night. Till next time people.

2004-04-14T18:41:00.000-06:00

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" " (d3drs_lighting, true)

d3dlight9 light;
light.type=d3dlightpoint;
light.position.x=0;
light.position.y=10;
light.position.z=10;
light.diffuse=d3dcolorxrgb(1.0f,0.0f,0.0f);
light.range=100.0f;
light.a0=0;
light.a1=1;
light.a2=0;

d3ddevice->setlight(0,&light);

2004-04-14T18:31:00.000-06:00

Oh man Im so screwed! Im having trouble in this class right so I was going to get tutoring just to find out I only have four more weeks to catch up. CRAP! Oh well what can you do right? So my emotions have been playing hell with me lately. Everyone really want to hear this? Probally not but it's my blog HAHAHAHA. Anyways alot lately, like when I'm driving or just have stolen moments to myself my mind keeps wondering back to Kristie. I know I know before anyone starts let me explain. It will come on as strong feelings of missing her, you know remembering all the good times we had (that was sarcasm if you couldnt tell), the love I felt over something that was never meant to be. But not long after these feelings show up I see something or remember something or hear something that snaps me back to reality and forces the truth in my face, the lies, the deciet, the use. I become angry not only at her but at myself for allowing such an atrosity to happen to me for so long. The anger is mixed with depression that subsides rather quickly. Now on top of all this I been having dreams, some of them nice, some of them disturbing and I dont know why its happening I mean there never really was any clouser so maybe this is my way of dealing with it.........

2004-04-12T19:51:00.000-06:00

whoops my fault they must have just been down or something my comments are back up woohoo!!!

2004-04-12T19:43:00.000-06:00

Well thats lovely blogger took away my comment sections, oohh well what can you do i guess its payback for taking away the pop up huh. So nothing really new going on right now. Just been trying to catch up in my classes since im now behind. Damn those short terms. If theres one complaint about this school it's that the terms need to be extended but they never will. My mom is thinking about getting a bulldog that would be awesome but they come with alot of inherted problems. I know she wants another puppy i cant say I blame her. Im going tommorow to apply at the brown palace hotel I doubt that Ill get anything from there but its worth a shot right? I feel i need a vacation from everything just me and hanna running away for a while not like i have the money but wouldnt it be nice. i just feel like im being crushed down by everything it's like im caught in this winding whirlpool sucking me down and i cant escape. I need a break it sucks not having a job and no money. it sucks filling out applications and having to put goddamn child abuse/ criminal neglect on them when all that really is is that cops are to nosey. Ok Im done bitching. Till next time people.

2004-04-08T18:42:00.000-06:00

Allright sorry about the lack of updates alot of crap went on and didnt really feel like typing. But I'm back bitches! just kidding ill try to update it everyday now. Well what has went on I was sick for one that really sucked. Nothing like your body aching to give you a great week. My plumbing in my house backed up, yet another plus. You never realize how much water you use till you cant use it, it's actually pretty amazing. Also our rottweiler died this past sunday, she was about 8 years old. It sucks but I guess it happens right. Hanna is cutting molars so shes been cranky as hell Im praying that it goes quick I can only take so much screaming in my ear. Again the joys of being a parent. But you know what they say What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger. Hell by that means I should be as strong as an ox lol. Well till next time people.

2004-03-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

Holy crap what a night last night!!! I don't mean that in a good way either. Everything was going fine, I got home from school got to spend an hour an a half with my daughter then shortly after i put her to bed my freaking basment flooded. Theres nothing better than stepping on wet carpet let me tell you. So after working on that till 11:30 i started to settle down finally fell asleep about 12:45 only to be woken up at 2 a.m. No not by my daughter but by my mom screaming. The dogs got in a fight so me and my brother rushed upstairs. Well he got in between them and one of the dogs charged him and bit him. He has six puncture wounds and was bleeding all over the place. After we got everything cleaned up and settled down it was about 3. Now I know what your thinking nothing else happened right? Wrong at that time my daughter woke up, so i went in and got here and she laid with me till she decided it would be funny to get up at 5. Oh the joys of a being a parent but you know I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Till next time people.

2004-03-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

You know i really wish i could just work from home. I miss spending time with my daughter it sucks much donkey dick only seeing about 2 hours a day. But a man has to do what a man has to do. right? More fun in my classes, the one class software development life cycles is going to be kind of tough. We have to take a problem or an oppurtinity and plan the whole thing beginning to end so my group is going to develop a game. My game actually that I came up with the concept on. And big thanks to Issa for helping me with the names and everything on it two terms ago. So we have to make a budget, a timeline of when spefic stuff is going to be done everything. Sounds fun huh? Just a bigger work load for me to burden myself down with. Hey at least Im staying out of trouble. till next time people.

2004-03-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

Ok I have a dilema here. Here I am twenty four years old in college that I'm paying out my ass for yet still being treated like a child. Heres the situation I have college writing 2 this term ( which unfourtanaly Ive had to take before ) when I get in class they tell us our first assignment is a argumentive essay. Great I love arguing. Then it happens she tells the class you have to argue on a pre determined topic. Ok this is not junior high where I can't think for myself. How am I supposed to argue something I have no passion for? It's like telling a blind why to argue why the color blue is better than the color red. So I think I'm going to burn my bridge here and do my paper on a different topic. The way I figure I have an outline that she handed out of what the paper should consist of, nowhere in the syllabus does it state a pre defined topic. Plus I will be more passionate and creative on my own topic. Anyways enough bitchin. Till next time people.

2004-03-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

By the way I hate using trig! lol.

2004-03-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody happy monday! Hope your weekend was great. Mine was allright hung out with chris and missy saturday and crashed over there saturday night. Other than that, spent time with my daughter wich it seems like I don't do enough. Between working and going to college I get to see her in the morning during the week and by the time I get home shes in bed. But as long as I know I'm doing it for her benefit then Ill be allright. Only two and half more years then I will have two degrees woohoo. Still havent heard anything on my letter to the FCC but I doubt I will. Last week was interesting. I saw my ex, my daughters mom. If you know me well enough you know the bad blood between us. Anyways I saw her at a gas station, no words were exchanged but some nasty glances were. Then I get home and my grandmother sent pictures from when she was out here. Well low and behold the first picture was of me, kristie and hanna together. I have to admit when I saw it at first it got me down. It was still a big thing in my life. But as I stood there staring at the picture I started thinking of the lies and deciet and treachery she did to me and those feeling of depression flooded out and filled with anger. This was a big step. Before I would have dwelled on this but now I'm able to control it a little better. Hooray for me! Well till next time.

2004-03-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

Well here it is friday, everybody is gearing up for the weekend and my big plans include sitting at. Isnt that so exciting! So something is bothering me right now. Since the superbowl incident and everyone knows what i'm talking about the FCC has been on a tyraid telling people what is wrong or right for them. Well i had enough i wrote an email to the chairman of the FCC telling them I was displeased with the way they were handling things. I will post the email next week. In it i voiced concern over newscast being about to broadcast sexually and violent information with no warning. My displeasure with the fines being payed and where the money was ending up. And my concern over the goverment trying to control what i see and hear. Last time i checked I had certain unalienable rights that now in my opinion are being tossed aside. We will shortly if I get a reply and if I do if it's just a computer generated response. Till next time people.

2004-03-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

Allright here is my first one:
My smile has faded. The once joyful expression on my face has been turned into a dark depression filled with sorrow. Many things have caused my sorrow in a short amount of time. Me being to trusting and nice with people has caused me to be trampled on. You'd think being a nice, caring person would go far in a persons life, but the sad factis this world is cutthroat. Someone will act a certain way and as soon as you turn your back they pull out the knife and plunge it straight to your heart. I don't ask for much in return of my kindness. Hapiness, which of course is fleeting, but even when I think I've started to find it, it's just a dead end. Dead ends that instead of breaking down my wall of sorrow it just burys me in more of it. And when that happens I drag people down with me. I know they want to help, but no one knows whats going on in my head. They don't realize I want to be by myself to wallow in the hole I'm stuck in, that I don't want to or need anyones help or advice or comfort. I have a hard time showing emotion to people so I mask it with humor or no emotion at all. So when I do show it, it scares people their not used to seeing the dark side of me. They think "Oh he's always so funny and laid back with no worries." and sometimes I am. But damnit I'm just like everybody else, I worry, I hurt, I get lonely and scared and don't understand what the hell is going on in this life. Maybe someday I'll find someone that I can really show all my emotions to, someone I won't be afraid of anything with. Maybe Someday.

2004-03-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

ok so im going to start posting some of my writings these are old and a little dark so bear with me. When I write it helps me deal with my emotions. This blog won't be exclusively that but it will have alot of it. If something moves you leave me a comment and let me know. thanx.

2004-03-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

OK so here i am starting this thing who knows how long it will be up or who will even read it but its just to help me deal with my stuff. If you dont like something to bad go somewhere else. If I offend you I guess you shouldn't have came here. Enough with the disclamer lets get onto the action!